health tips Archives – Herbal Nitro®

How to Get Out of Bed [Tutorial]

We are all guilty, at some point in our lives, of thinking we’ve mastered the basics, like brushing our teeth, feeding ourselves, or getting out of bed. Surely we could do all of these blind-folded like an expert, right? No way. Maybe you can “get it done”–but are you waking up efficiently, like a person who trains others how to wake up?

Tutorial #65: How to Get Out of Bed

As with all tutorials, we have to start with a definition. Even if you think you know it, it doesn’t mean you have all the nuances down. We know what a bed is… but what about the phrase “get up”?

Definition

Get up:

[get uhp]

idiom

1. The transition of an object, usu. a body, from the prone to upright position.
Example: “Help, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.” -That one commercial.

2. The process of breaking up with your bed.
Example: “I hate having to get up. I hate being an adult.” -Based on true story.

(Want to read more tutorials like this? Get on the list.) Which definition resonated with you? It doesn’t matter: I chose the second one because it’s closest to the heart of all of us. If there’s anything you’ll take from this definition, remember this:
I hate having to get up. I hate being an adult.
We agree, so let’s get on with this informative tutorial.

Step 1. Upon waking, look at your phone immediately and browse social media.

Always check your social media in the morning. Always. This is the first, sine qua non step in getting up and out of bed, for it requires you to do the opposite: to stay in bed. In order to combat the frigid, frost-biting breeze that exists outside of the covers, you have to stay in the covers. Unfortunately, the experience for you is too common: you only have 1 notification on social media, and it’s Facebook telling you one of your high school friends (whom you never speak to) has a birthday. Just send them a 🎉 icon. K. Phone time’s over. Next step.

Step 2. Stretch slowly, exhale, and stair blankly at the ceiling in despair.

This step, while second, is actually very important. Scientists somewhere in some publication have agreed? that the process of self-agonizing realization that occurs after waking up is just as much part of your sleep as… sleep is. In fact, just thinking about going back to sleep actually helps you get up, because you realize it’s not going to happen. Ever. You have to clock in at work. You may or may not have kids, and you can’t feed them Fruit Loops for two weeks in a row. Also, your spouse woke up early for a run and is now in better shape than you, which is ridiculous. Anyway, that’s enough despair. Next step.

Step 3. Produce a sound of behemoth-strength: either by yelling, yawning, or grunting.

Usually you’ll only make these sounds during Halloween, but you should be incorporating them into your morning routine. When you belch out such a loud and disturbing sound when getting up, not only will you wake the neighbors, but you’ll also wake yourself up. This logic is flawless. More importantly, it will help remind you that you should definitely go give American Idol a shot. Screaming is optional, but this next step isn’t.

Step 4. Throw the blankets off your bed almost angrily, like that one Olympic sport.

When waking, it's essential you throw your covers everywhere.
Update: Google’d it. Turns out it’s Shot Putting.
This has nothing to do with sleep deprivation. Nothing. It’s just a logical response to it. Scientists, or people with impressive vocabularies, call this catharsis. It’s pretty much the process of relieving your own stress, and each person has his or her unique method. You might wonder, “Can going back to sleep be my catharsis?” And I say, “You’re damn right it can.” Just kidding–but clearly, getting up is difficult, which is why you have this tutorial. After throwing the covers, you reach the final step.

Step 5. Go back to bed Take a shower (not a bath).

Avoid the temptation of falling back asleep in the tub. First, taking a bath is a slippery slope. You may fall into the trap of turning that tub of warm, friendly water into a delicate waterbed, and doze off for an extra hour of sleep and finger-wrinkling. But at this point you may sit up swiftly and wonder, “But what if I showered at night?” No, that’s nasty. Shower again. If you’ve followed this tutorial, you have already worked up a sweat.
  • You’ve had anxiety-induced sweats because you found out only 6 people liked your Instagram pic since you went to bed.
  • You’ve lain under the hot, sun-warmed sheets while staring at the ceiling.
  • You’ve done your morning workout Olympic-style by throwing the bed covers all over the room in angst.
  • You’ve screamed your heart out with your beautifully deep and hoarse morning voice.
It’s time to shower.
Know someone who would benefit from this health tutorial? Tell ’em about it.

Hacking Halloween: 10 Tips to Avoid the Sweets

I‘ll bet you can already hear it: the sinister laughs of Mr. Skeleton in the howling breeze; the brooding bellows of the lurking Oogie Boogie; and, alas, the harrowing yet mellifluous screams of children as they prepare themselves for the most dastardly, invigorating night of the year. BOO! Halloween is coming. Halloween, as kids know–and parents mostly certainly know–is not just a day. It’s a week; sometimes it is a whole month, because we know when the first leaves fall, grocery stores magically introduce candy onto their shelves.

Candy. Candy everywhere.

This is what we think happens Halloween week:
  • Buy the candy early.
  • Set it on the table and don’t touch it.
  • The kids eat all the candy and there’s none left for us to eat.
  • SUCCESS.
But what actually happens…
  • We buy more candy than kids even exist in a 10-mile radius–just in case we run out.
  • We want the deal, so we buy candy a week early.
  • We put the candy in the spooky bowl by the front door… to be, like, prepared.
  • The night before Halloween: WHO ATE ALL THE CANDY?
Halloween finally ends, and though the trick-or-treaters had pillowcases filled with candy, you won: you ate the most. And your reward is… BOO! A wrenching stomach pain and an extra few pounds on your stomach.

Healthy Tips for Sugary Lips

Avoiding sweets on Halloween is probably the hardest thing to do in the world, aside from plugging in a USB flash drive correctly the first time. (Why does it always take three times to plug it in when the chances are 50/50?) Follow these tips to be healthy this Halloween.

Don’t open the candy early

It’s tempting to open up the bag of candy to add it to your bowl so you can once and for all finish your Halloween decorations. But really… there’s no need to do that. Don’t make it easy to eat candy. Ever.

Place it outside

Whether or not you waited until Halloween night to let the candy out the bags… literally, don’t let that bowl of filled-to-the-brim candy sit inside your house.* Place it outside with a sign (“2 pieces each… or else”) to avoid eating it yourself.

Set aside your limit

Set aside a small number of candies or chocolates that you’re allowed to eat so you don’t bury your face in the bowl. My rule is one handful… so I find the largest hands in the neighborhood and ask for a favor.

Count the wrappers

This may seem silly, but nothing is more haunting than lifeless wrappers who once housed calories now sitting there beside you on the couch, watching you eat “just one more.” Count them. Assemble them by the unwrapped candy and let them glare at you until you’re satisfied. Throwing the wrappers away piece-by-piece is a cop-out.

Quarantine the binge

Okay, so you’re going to binge. You’ve decided that in advance. If you’re really going to binge on that Halloween candy, save the date. Save the time. Use a countdown timer like that of New Year’s Eve and savor the moment. But once that time is up… Walk away from the candy. Run if you have to.

Eat before you treat

Whether you’re encamped in the house or out with the kids knocking on strangers’ doors, eat before you treat; and eat a well-balanced meal, particularly one with few carbohydrates and plenty of greens. It’s like going grocery shopping on an empty stomach: you never make the good decisions then.

Choose smaller bags

Is using pillowcases as a candy container passe? Are those days over? They probably should be. We recommend you opt for something closer to a gift bag or a grocery bag instead of an entire bed sheet–that way when you reach your bag’s limit, you have to return from trick-or-treating: you have no more room for candy!

Barter

Usually, parents have better control over their sweets intake than kids do. If you find your kids or grandkids consuming too much sugar on Halloween night, barter with them. Offer them the perk of staying up late or going on a special trip in exchange for some of their candy. You can even trade them a healthy meal for some of their candy so they make better decisions (just don’t, ya know, eat the candy yourself).

Walk, don’t drive

You may live far from the popular trick-or-treating neighborhoods, but use that time to enjoy the night. Walk yourself, your kids, and whomever else to the scene. Take the long route, not just the one strip of houses that offer the full-size candy bars. You’ll get far more exercise on Halloween night than you think!

Get energy from a good source

It’s a big night full of crazy kids, wildly expensive costumes (because you asked), and extended curfews. You’re going to need energy… just don’t get it from the candy. For clean, long-lasting energy, take a natural energy booster before you begin the madness; and if you’re really trying to fend off the sweets, combine energy and appetite control in a weight loss stick to brave the night. Oh… and #11: Brush your teeth on Halloween night.
*If you place your candy outside, you risk little monsters stealing the entire bowl of candy. You were warned.