Category: Satire

How to Steal Aloe Vera From Your Neighbor’s Lawn [Tutorial]

Posted on by jspano
You might be thinking, “Woah, are you espousing theft?” to which I’ll reply, “Can you not use big words around me?” Today, we’re talking about Aloe Vera: and I think I need to explain what this thing is. Aloe Vera is a natural plant–and ingredient–you’ve probably had all over your body: you don’t know it, but it’s been lodged in many creams, sunscreens, and shampoos you’ve used. Don’t worry: This plant is awesome. Some have called it a global panacea (a “cure for everything”); some use it for healing burns and skin ailments; some use it as in moisturizing shampoos; and some, like us, use it in natural colon cleanses. But how do you get your hand on one?
Welcome to another episode of terrible tutorials that may or may not provide you any value whatsoever.

Tutorial #66: How to Steal Your Neighbor’s Aloe Vera

As is normal with any tutorial (at least our tutorials), we need to start with a definition. Clearly, we have to define “steal.” That’s the only obviously-ambiguous word we’re working with.

Definition

Steal:

[steel]

verb

1. To take something that doesn’t belong to you without permission.
Example: “Mom, the bully stole my lunch money again.” -Every day of my childhood.

2. To borrow an item indefinitely, for personal pleasure (usu. bookended with lying quotations).
Example: “I may have to “steal” your aloe because I don’t want to buy any.” -Your excuse after reading this.

Since you have a better chance stealing aloe vera than you do stealing someone’s heart (let’s be realistically sad for a moment), the following steps are like chicken soup for the kleptomaniacs’s soul.

1. Recon: Find which neighbor has the green stuff growing in their lawn.

Privacy is important: We respect yours--unless you grow aloe vera. We’re wading into some questionable territory if I ask you to hop someone’s fence to get some aloe. It should be in plain, walkable sight. Let’s face it: exercise is too much work. Period. If you have to sweat, you might as well buy it on Amazon. Anyway, use binoculars. I suggest ones you could buy at Walmart (because supporting local businesses is too millennial).

2. Grab some scissors: like the ones you cut food with.

Use scissors to cut your aloe vera and create natural formulas. Just not these rusty scissors. Honestly, having aloe vera juice on your scissors is probably cleaner than using them to cut the processed stuff you buy at the store. Also, kitchen scissors are generally larger and more durable, which means you can harvest even more aloe from your neighbor’s plant. You can use something like pliers or band cutters, but let’s not get industrial here: it’s just casual petty theft.

3. Go in for the kill (and wear your running shoes just in case).

You’ve eyed the plant; you’ve ensured no cars were parked in the driveway. You’ve ordered pizza to the address just to see if someone is home. It’s time. While crouching (optional: while wearing a ski mask), position the scissors at the base of one of its stems. This is vital, because if you kill the plant, you can’t keep free-loading from this same plant for the next 10 years. Sprint away. You cannot experience the freedom of herbal theft by walking.

4. Use aloe in everything: you’re now a homeopath.

In order to be a bona fide homeopath, you need to wear a bandana. Create your own smelly deodorant with aloe. Craft your own shampoo with aloe. Knit a sweater with aloe. Now all you need to do is tell all your friends on Facebook how homemade-everything is the best, and people who still use store-bought deodorant are earth-destroyers.
Know someone who likes or grows aloe? Share this with ’em. *Disclaimer: Please don’t steal. This was satire.

How to Get Out of Bed [Tutorial]

Posted on by jspano
We are all guilty, at some point in our lives, of thinking we’ve mastered the basics, like brushing our teeth, feeding ourselves, or getting out of bed. Surely we could do all of these blind-folded like an expert, right? No way. Maybe you can “get it done”–but are you waking up efficiently, like a person who trains others how to wake up?

Tutorial #65: How to Get Out of Bed

As with all tutorials, we have to start with a definition. Even if you think you know it, it doesn’t mean you have all the nuances down. We know what a bed is… but what about the phrase “get up”?

Definition

Get up:

[get uhp]

idiom

1. The transition of an object, usu. a body, from the prone to upright position.
Example: “Help, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.” -That one commercial.

2. The process of breaking up with your bed.
Example: “I hate having to get up. I hate being an adult.” -Based on true story.

(Want to read more tutorials like this? Get on the list.) Which definition resonated with you? It doesn’t matter: I chose the second one because it’s closest to the heart of all of us. If there’s anything you’ll take from this definition, remember this:
I hate having to get up. I hate being an adult.
We agree, so let’s get on with this informative tutorial.

Step 1. Upon waking, look at your phone immediately and browse social media.

Always check your social media in the morning. Always. This is the first, sine qua non step in getting up and out of bed, for it requires you to do the opposite: to stay in bed. In order to combat the frigid, frost-biting breeze that exists outside of the covers, you have to stay in the covers. Unfortunately, the experience for you is too common: you only have 1 notification on social media, and it’s Facebook telling you one of your high school friends (whom you never speak to) has a birthday. Just send them a 🎉 icon. K. Phone time’s over. Next step.

Step 2. Stretch slowly, exhale, and stair blankly at the ceiling in despair.

This step, while second, is actually very important. Scientists somewhere in some publication have agreed? that the process of self-agonizing realization that occurs after waking up is just as much part of your sleep as… sleep is. In fact, just thinking about going back to sleep actually helps you get up, because you realize it’s not going to happen. Ever. You have to clock in at work. You may or may not have kids, and you can’t feed them Fruit Loops for two weeks in a row. Also, your spouse woke up early for a run and is now in better shape than you, which is ridiculous. Anyway, that’s enough despair. Next step.

Step 3. Produce a sound of behemoth-strength: either by yelling, yawning, or grunting.

Usually you’ll only make these sounds during Halloween, but you should be incorporating them into your morning routine. When you belch out such a loud and disturbing sound when getting up, not only will you wake the neighbors, but you’ll also wake yourself up. This logic is flawless. More importantly, it will help remind you that you should definitely go give American Idol a shot. Screaming is optional, but this next step isn’t.

Step 4. Throw the blankets off your bed almost angrily, like that one Olympic sport.

When waking, it's essential you throw your covers everywhere.
Update: Google’d it. Turns out it’s Shot Putting.
This has nothing to do with sleep deprivation. Nothing. It’s just a logical response to it. Scientists, or people with impressive vocabularies, call this catharsis. It’s pretty much the process of relieving your own stress, and each person has his or her unique method. You might wonder, “Can going back to sleep be my catharsis?” And I say, “You’re damn right it can.” Just kidding–but clearly, getting up is difficult, which is why you have this tutorial. After throwing the covers, you reach the final step.

Step 5. Go back to bed Take a shower (not a bath).

Avoid the temptation of falling back asleep in the tub. First, taking a bath is a slippery slope. You may fall into the trap of turning that tub of warm, friendly water into a delicate waterbed, and doze off for an extra hour of sleep and finger-wrinkling. But at this point you may sit up swiftly and wonder, “But what if I showered at night?” No, that’s nasty. Shower again. If you’ve followed this tutorial, you have already worked up a sweat.
  • You’ve had anxiety-induced sweats because you found out only 6 people liked your Instagram pic since you went to bed.
  • You’ve lain under the hot, sun-warmed sheets while staring at the ceiling.
  • You’ve done your morning workout Olympic-style by throwing the bed covers all over the room in angst.
  • You’ve screamed your heart out with your beautifully deep and hoarse morning voice.
It’s time to shower.
Know someone who would benefit from this health tutorial? Tell ’em about it.