Tutorial #65: How to Get Out of Bed
As with all tutorials, we have to start with a definition. Even if you think you know it, it doesn’t mean you have all the nuances down. We know what a bed is… but what about the phrase “get up”?Definition
Get up:
[get uhp]
idiom
1. The transition of an object, usu. a body, from the prone to upright position.
Example: “Help, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.” -That one commercial.
2. The process of breaking up with your bed.
Example: “I hate having to get up. I hate being an adult.” -Based on true story.
I hate having to get up. I hate being an adult.We agree, so let’s get on with this informative tutorial.
Step 1. Upon waking, look at your phone immediately and browse social media.

Step 2. Stretch slowly, exhale, and stair blankly at the ceiling in despair.
This step, while second, is actually very important. Scientists somewhere in some publication have agreed? that the process of self-agonizing realization that occurs after waking up is just as much part of your sleep as… sleep is. In fact, just thinking about going back to sleep actually helps you get up, because you realize it’s not going to happen. Ever. You have to clock in at work. You may or may not have kids, and you can’t feed them Fruit Loops for two weeks in a row. Also, your spouse woke up early for a run and is now in better shape than you, which is ridiculous. Anyway, that’s enough despair. Next step.Step 3. Produce a sound of behemoth-strength: either by yelling, yawning, or grunting.
Step 4. Throw the blankets off your bed almost angrily, like that one Olympic sport.


Update: Google’d it. Turns out it’s Shot Putting.
Step 5. Go back to bed Take a shower (not a bath).


- You’ve had anxiety-induced sweats because you found out only 6 people liked your Instagram pic since you went to bed.
- You’ve lain under the hot, sun-warmed sheets while staring at the ceiling.
- You’ve done your morning workout Olympic-style by throwing the bed covers all over the room in angst.
- You’ve screamed your heart out with your beautifully deep and hoarse morning voice.
Know someone who would benefit from this health tutorial? Tell ’em about it.