How to Get Out of Bed [Tutorial]

We are all guilty, at some point in our lives, of thinking we’ve mastered the basics, like brushing our teeth, feeding ourselves, or getting out of bed. Surely we could do all of these blind-folded like an expert, right? No way. Maybe you can “get it done”--but are you waking up efficiently, like a person who trains others how to wake up?

Tutorial #65: How to Get Out of Bed

As with all tutorials, we have to start with a definition. Even if you think you know it, it doesn’t mean you have all the nuances down. We know what a bed is… but what about the phrase “get up”? (Want to read more tutorials like this? Get on the list.) Which definition resonated with you? It doesn’t matter: I chose the second one because it’s closest to the heart of all of us. If there’s anything you’ll take from this definition, remember this:

I hate having to get up. I hate being an adult.

We agree, so let’s get on with this informative tutorial.

Step 1. Upon waking, look at your phone immediately and browse social media.

This is the first, sine qua non step in getting up and out of bed, for it requires you to do the opposite: to stay in bed. In order to combat the frigid, frost-biting breeze that exists outside of the covers, you have to stay in the covers. Unfortunately, the experience for you is too common: you only have 1 notification on social media, and it’s Facebook telling you one of your high school friends (whom you never speak to) has a birthday. Just send them a 🎉 icon. K. Phone time’s over. Next step.

Step 2. Stretch slowly, exhale, and stair blankly at the ceiling in despair.

This step, while second, is actually very important. Scientists somewhere in some publication have agreed^? that the process of self-agonizing realization that occurs after waking up is just as much part of your sleep as… sleep is. In fact, just thinking about going back to sleep actually helps you get up, because you realize it’s not going to happen. Ever. You have to clock in at work. You may or may not have kids, and you can’t feed them Fruit Loops for two weeks in a row. Also, your spouse woke up early for a run and is now in better shape than you, which is ridiculous. Anyway, that’s enough despair. Next step.

Step 3. Produce a sound of behemoth-strength: either by yelling, yawning, or grunting.

Usually you’ll only make these sounds during Halloween, but you should be incorporating them into your morning routine. When you belch out such a loud and disturbing sound when getting up, not only will you wake the neighbors, but you’ll also wake yourself up. This logic is flawless. More importantly, it will help remind you that you should definitely go give American Idol a shot. Screaming is optional, but this next step isn’t.

Step 4. Throw the blankets off your bed almost angrily, like that one Olympic sport.

This has nothing to do with sleep deprivation. Nothing. It’s just a logical response to it. Scientists, or people with impressive vocabularies, call this catharsis. It’s pretty much the process of relieving your own stress, and each person has his or her unique method. You might wonder, “Can going back to sleep be my catharsis?” And I say, “You’re damn right it can.” Just kidding--but clearly, getting up is difficult, which is why you have this tutorial. After throwing the covers, you reach the final step.

Step 5. Go back to bed Take a shower (not a bath).

First, taking a bath is a slippery slope. You may fall into the trap of turning that tub of warm, friendly water into a delicate waterbed, and doze off for an extra hour of sleep and finger-wrinkling. But at this point you may sit up swiftly and wonder, “But what if I showered at night?” No, that’s nasty. Shower again. If you’ve followed this tutorial, you have already worked up a sweat.

• You’ve had anxiety-induced sweats because you found out only 6 people liked your Instagram pic since you went to bed.
• You’ve lain under the hot, sun-warmed sheets while staring at the ceiling.
• You’ve done your morning workout Olympic-style by throwing the bed covers all over the room in angst.
• You’ve screamed your heart out with your beautifully deep and hoarse morning voice.

It’s time to shower.

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Know someone who would benefit from this health tutorial? Tell ’em about it.